An excerpt from chapter three of the novel in progress. Introducing Natalie, a college aged conspiracy theorist struggling to identify what she actually wants, rather than what she knows is good for her. Enjoy 🙂

Stillness. Morning is still. Can’t it be morning all day? Quiet world, quiet house, quiet mind. The energy from the neighborhood hasn’t risen. I can’t pull myself away from my thoughts. Stephanie will wake up soon. I will need to use my voice to speak, use words, craft my sentences carefully. Phoenix says that language is a portal. It creates our reality. I am the creator of my reality. This kitchen table is my reality. This newspaper is a reality, not mine though. The news is not a part of me. Every year, everyday, we are a mess. World, we are a mess. Can one human being do anything to help it? I want to. I need to help myself, help my world. I am change and immersed in it. I believe in positivity. It is a beautiful day. I cannot invite that into my life. The news is entertainment. If I invite it into my life I will be a believing non-believer.

The sun funneling through the blinds is mine. It’s beautiful. I need to appreciate beauty like this–the light streaking into the house, across the living room and on the piano. Our white piano and the photographs, the painting, and the fern adorning it. Beams like that are two-dimensional, but not. Light and shadow. Flat but textured. That duality is perplexing. Am I dually textured? Androgynous? My voice is too sharp to be soft. My nose too pointed to not seek out perfume or fragrance. Flowers smell too feminine. I wear Old Spice. Where do my male expressions manifest? My hands are big, my feet are long, I have hair on my legs and I’d prefer to keep it there. I lap up the smell of aftershave. What about lavender or eucalyptus? Linda smells like lavender, it’s bittersweet. Is that feminine enough? What is it about her? Why am I so intrigued? If I could just touch her arm and feel her energy and the pulse her skin gives off. Am I woman or a being? So I move like one? What would it take, grace, poise? Do I have any appeal?

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