An attempt to stay sane while I am ‘home’ for the summer in Nutley and force myself to make writing a part of my daily life here in NJ. Here’s the first one!
To the man whose face looks different every time I see him:
It really has changed, your face that is, and I forgot who you were for an instant when I saw you. That thing, that electric thing, that thing that made me smile when I saw you or talked to you or even thought about you, is gone. Please tell me where it is because I would like very much to find it and squeeze it all back into you and try to make some sense out of this whole thing so we could be a ‘we’ again and not a you and I or you turning into that person I used to know that had that thing about him. I think if we found that thing, or even if I found it for you I could recognize your face a little bit better next time I saw you because it really scares me to think of you as a stranger to me and that is what you have become. It’s just your face, it looks so different. Maybe it’s your mouth, that smile, that toothy white smile. I think that was part of the thing, the thing you lost. Next time I see you, please don’t be alarmed if I am looking at you strangely, but I really have to figure this out. Or maybe it’s your eyes, they could have changed and caused you to lose that thing, but I wouldn’t know much about how they changed because I don’t think I ever really looked at them too well anyway. I think they might have been green, but I’m sure they are brown, though I am positive they are almond shaped.
But back to the thing. Do you think it could have gone missing when you lost other parts of yourself, like your teeth? Or your virginity? Or maybe you lost it with that piece of your heart you will never get back from that girl, the one you thought you loved and told me about. If you had really known me as you thought you had, you would have realized that all the love you had for that girl was really for me because I am the only person that knows about that thing. I am the only one who can see it and that is why you don’t know it’s gone.
But the more I think of it, maybe you never had that thing Because I can’t come up with a reasonable explanation as to why its missing and I can’t put a MPB on a thing that I can’t even name, plus, you never asked me questions in return for anything or smiled at me for the sake of smiling. And I am not talking about happy smiles I’m talking about the smile that that thing makes you do, the kind that you can’t stop because it starts at you earlobe and is stitched to the inside of your cheeks.
Maybe I just never really knew you and you don’t look any different, you actually look very much the same, I just can’t help but notice that you are a stranger.